Why can’t I get this annoying infatuation out of my head? Why are we cursed to love someone we can’t have? Why does this chemical that causes infatuation stay in our body longer?

This is the third unconscious encounter I had of D.K. I wasn’t even thinking about him! I was perfectly fine idling my life away in reality, gone to sleep and POOF! It starts. I’m starting to think these dreams are false hopes concocted by some demon who craves disappointments. There are some facts that states ‘if a person suddenly appears in your dreams when they never even crossed your mind, that means he or she is thinking about you.’

I’m not sure how true it is but it has happened to some of my friends. Unfortunately, the same luck doesn’t really occur to me –being thought of by a crush --.

It started in a room. I had a feeling that I was going to put on a show – being on stage --. So I went to the make-up room and applied powder to my face. As I was preparing myself, I saw a girl stomping angrily towards the elevator at my right. At first I was like, ‘What’s her problem?’ and as I watched her pressed the button, D.K ran towards her and tried to console her. My interest peaked as I saw the two of them quarrelling. I felt awkward so I decided to continue on with my make-up. I glanced at them and the elevator door opened, the girl entered while D.K stood outside with his head down. I didn’t know what was going on between those two and I didn’t bother to ask him.

I woke up. Puzzled but still tired. I went back to sleep.

The scene changed. We were walking around KK city. It looks different. I didn’t recognize the building structures but it looks better than the real deal, almost. The sun was glaring down as my mom, sister, D.K, his girlfriend and I crossed the street on our way to the place that would hold their wedding reception. D.K was walking besides me and his gf was having a conversation with my sister in front of us as we’re walking. I felt strange. My heart was aching. I could feel it even if it was just a dream. Knowing that we were heading towards their reception hall gave me an unnerving feeling in my gut. I glanced up at D.K as we were walking and thought to myself, ‘this is exactly what I’m afraid of.’

We arrived at the hall and it was half prepared for the ceremony. My mom and sister were stapling some things on the big board. I was sitting besides D.K drinking alcohol -- if I remember correctly -- and his gf was not far from us, talking to some people. Again, I felt strange. ‘Why am I sitting next to him?’ I thought to myself. I wanted to sit up and help my mom but some kind of force glued my ass to the chair. We were both quiet. He got a bit tipsy and said to me, “I actually love YOU… Evelyn.”

I sat there in shock, mortified but quietly happy and relief to hear those words from him but the scenario that we were in was not appropriate – of course --. Everyone stopped their work and conversation, the whole place was silent. All eyes were on us in disbelief. I changed my focus to my mom and sis, wide-eyed with a ‘what the fuck just happened’ expression on my face. They were smiling. My mom broke the silence by saying, “Bagus la! Are we going to have a wedding or what?”

I felt guilty for some reason, because I felt they have been working hard for D.K and his gf’s wedding and there he was confessing out loud, making me look like a home-wrecker. I glanced at his gf who was grinning with a hint of sadness, she was walking towards me, grabbed a chair and took a seat in front of me waiting for me to say something.

‘Oh no.’ was the only thought that was running through my head.

I summoned the courage and said, “I’m sorry! He doesn’t mean it! He was drinking! I’m sorry!!”

I woke up. Still tired but able to feel the excess feeling of my ache, awake. I went back to sleep wanting the dream to change.

The scene changed once again and D.K wasn’t in it. His girlfriend suddenly became a flat mate of mine in an haunted apartment. She became a witch – lol I know right? I was like wtf happened? – who had the intention of hurting me for destroying her relationship.

Let’s just say I woke a lot after that from fear and annoyance.

Yeah so, I don’t know. I want to vent it all out here. My money is still on a mythical demon from hell that likes to torture and give me false hope while I’m unconscious.

This is so fucked up.

My sister’s husband’s cousin a.k.a my sister’s childhood friend’s wedding was held last Tuesday (28^th May) and I actually dreaded this date because one, I’m not a fan of wearing high heels for long hours and two, D.K was there. D.K is also the bride’s cousin as well as my bro-in-law.

The morning of the celebration came and the church ceremony was perfectly beautiful but I was anticipating for D.K’s presence; turning my head every once in a while to see if he’s there. I was rather nervous of seeing him again after two years. I mean, I really like this guy. To be honest, I didn’t thought he would make it to the wedding because he just got back from Beijing. So, the mass ended and the usual group/family pictures were taken in front of the altar with the bride and groom. I stood next to my dad for the group photo and turned to my left, there he was! Standing next to me and smiling. I gave him a hug (involuntarily) but a restrained one because I didn’t want to freak him out heh. He gave me a hug and shook my hand. He held my back with his arm as we took the pictures and I never felt happier than I was at that very moment. Here I was, waiting two years for this wedding just to see him again after talking for so long, knowing that we both have feelings for each other. Didn’t thought he would make it, finally gave up the thought that he would be there and he ended up standing beside me for the group picture…..and holding my back! My hands were so cold after that from the nervousness but I think I hide it very well :p

We didn’t manage to see each other at the church after that because his family had to take more pictures with the bride and groom since they were immediate family members. My parents wanted to go home a.s.a.p because the weather was humid and my mom had a hair appointment so we left but I was excited for the reception later that night!

During the reception at Putra, my parents and I came early because I had to usher in the guests to their seats but all I could think of was, 

‘When is D.K going to be here? When is he going to be here? Is he even going to be here? Has he returned to Labuan already? No.. That’s impossible he couldn’t miss his cousin’s wedding reception.’ 

Those thoughts were running through my head like a battlefield as I walked through guest after guest hoping one of them would be D.K. I even took the liberty to check his name on the list so I know which table number he'll be sitting on! When he finally arrived, heh and let me tell you this, mostly, guys would be the one down the stairs overlooking their crush as she comes down, but in this case, I was the one at the foot of the stairs looking up at my crush as he came down and he smiled at me. It was as if time stopped. He came up and gave me a hug. I wanted that moment in time to just stop. 

To not get my tongue all tied up, I asked him as I have asked the other guests, 

"Do you know your table number already?"

He said with the most charming smile, 

"No, not yet.. but I’m sitting next to Jonathan they all :) (his cousins) " 

"Let me look it up for you!"and walked him towards the name list that has been pasted on a board. I already knew his table number prior to his arrival but I needed a reason to spend time with him even if it was just for a moment.

“You’re at table number 59. It’s right over here.” I showed him the seating chart. 

“Let me walk you over there :)” I said.

“Okay! :D” He replied.

As I walked him towards his table I knew… I knew from that very moment this will be the last time I see him throughout the night.

“There’s your table right there!” I said as I pointed towards the direction of his table. 

“Thank you! See you later ah! :D” He said. I smiled but knew that the ‘later’ would be a long one…

My table was no.7, waay in front and his was at the very back. It was hard to maneuver around the ballroom to pass by his table without a proper reason, you know? So I let fate take place. Luckily my little niece wanted to go potty in the middle of the reception and in my heart I was like, ‘YES! I GET TO PASS BY HIS TABLE!’ while on the outside I was subtle and said, “Okay Sammy. Aunty will bring you to the washroom.” It was a rather funny moment in the eyes of desperation now that I thought about it!

So as the night was ending and the music began to turn to a slower pace, I was hoping he would ask me to dance. I switched seats to table no.2 where my parents were sitting to stall them from going home too early (oh yes, if you waited for 2 years, you would do anything). Bryan (Serra would know this person) asked me to dance but I said no because I didn’t want to give D.K the wrong idea if he saw us on the dance floor.

So I sat at the table, phone at hand and looking over the dance floor where all the couples were dancing and thought to myself, ‘Maybe he doesn’t like me anymore? I shouldn’t put too much hope on this any further…’ I can feel my heart was shrivelling up into a crumpled paper. My hands were going colder and I can feel the tears swelling up but didn’t want to make it obvious since I was sitting next to my parents and relatives. So I went to the washroom every now and then to get the ‘cold’ out of my system.

When I came back, my parents were already saying their goodbyes and walking towards the exit. At that moment, I saw that D.K was standing at table no.1 (just besides the table I was sitting on, waiting!). He was talking to his relatives and taking pictures since they rarely see him and his parents.

As I stood at the exit, waiting for my parents to come over, I looked at him and confirmed to myself that it probably wasn’t meant to be. I went home, entered my room and just lost it. I cried. I had a good cry though, letting it all out of me, sinking it all in. I took a nice long shower and went on facebook. I saw that D.K was online and said to him,

“Tidak sempat say bye to you tadi. Gonna miss you people yang jarang jumpa!”

“Aw…I was thinking to bring dance tadi” He said.

“I would’ve said yes if you asked ealier” I replied.

That sentence…… that damn sentence made my day and made me want to strangle a pillow!

I felt a bit regretful for going home early but I know it was inevitable since it was my parents’ call and not mine. So I know in my heart something good will come out from this, somehow, someday. It may be for another 2 years or 2 months but one thing is for sure, there’s something there.

Now, he’s back in Labuan. Back to his life and I’m… well, here.  There’s still sparks even though it tends to rain. Fate has its games and we’re in it.

Oh and on the same note, my parents know that D.K and I have mutual feelings for each other and they actually approve of him. My dad is pushing me to ‘tackle him’ soon and make him his son-in-law but my mom wants me to at least get a degree first. Parents… they tend to surprise you. 

On to the written topic…

As most of you know, I was waiting for my PISMP (Degree TESL in IPG) result to see whether I’m qualified for an interview slot and the result is in….. MY APPLICATION WASN’T ACCEPTED. Yes, I know... my previous post depicted how reluctant I was to enter this programme (if I got accepted but that wouldn’t be a problem anymore :p) and to become a primary school English teacher. Some of you may think I would be relieved but the truth is, with every application rejected, there’s disappointment especially my sister (who wanted me to enter the programme, badly).

On another note, my MUET March result is in as well! And I obtained……. BAND 5. YES! YES! YES! I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw it! Not bad ey? From a student who obtained Band 3 (with one mark less to B4) last year to a Band 5 student! This is such a triumph for me, you have no idea! (Although those who have read my previous entries would specifically know why it's euphoric :p) It goes to show how careless one can be at a vulnerable moment. The most ironic thing was both result fell upon the same day which was Monday, 6^th of May 2013. The contrast of both results made my emotions neutral that day. Har har..

And then there’s one… UPU result. The mother of all result that will determine my entire life, literally. I admit, I had bitter moments with UPU. Mostly because I didn’t get any offers from local universities with my SPM result and I’m hoping for my dear life that the fate won’t repeat itself for my STPM. Please God…

Although, the good news is… local universities such as UiTM, UUM, UniMAS, UMS and top local universities such as UM, UPM, UKM have two degree intakes. The first one being on September where all the accepted UPU applicants enter and in February the manual applications.

Being a paranoid person, I have set up plans for the worst case scenarios if my applications for the September intake fall through*palispalis* :

                Plan A:

Wait for another year (in the meantime, get a part-time job to earn some savings) and apply for February 2014 intake. How am I certain that I would get at least one acceptance from a university? Well, I’ve checked my result qualification for all the local unis in Malaysia through a system and I’m qualified for some of them (even those in prominent universities such as UPM and UKM!) I do not know for certain if they would still accept me then because there’s always the competition of other qualified applicants but I’m keeping myself optimistic.

                Plan B:

Apply for November 2013 intake to half private/government universities and again, in the meantime, get a part-time job because God knows I need those savings if I do enter a private university. MSU (Management and Science University, Shah Alam) has always been the top half private university in my head ever since SPM because it’s the kind of private uni that’s affordable-ish and with MQA (Malaysian Qualification Agency, accreditation). I received an offer for Foundation in Law back in 2011 but my mum was still hopeful of my STPM path back then so she didn’t gave me her blessings. Long story short, if all else fails, I would enter the Bachelor in Law and Commerce (Hons) programme since I’ve always been interested in commercial law. It’s either that or Bachelor in TESL Education (Hons). However Malaysia has an overflow of English teachers already and I don’t think it would be a wise choice to jump on that bandwagon any further.

Whatever it may be… it all depends on how my UPU result will turn out this coming July. Two more months to know which plan I should follow through or not. There is so much uncertainty in life after high school and it wholly depends on a lot of aspects in your life and yourself. I wish I could tell my 17 years old self that before but it is what it is now. I’m confident that I will not be an anxious sitting duck for too long. I just can’t. I wasn’t born that way. Heck nobody was born that way! I can’t accept the fact that a person like me and you that has an incredible potential to succeed can let a measly result decide their future!

I’m very excited to know where life will take me next be it in education, legislation or arts. As it was written in Proverbs 16:9,

You may make your plans, but God directs it.

Most things have a reason. Noticed how I didn’t write ‘Everything has a reason’? Because it depends on our actions as well. Not all of our fates are directed by a mystical coincidence in the universe (and by ‘mystical coincidence’, I did not mean God by the way).

-- Cheers to the future and our independency.

It’s frustrating right? How can it not be? I used to think it was God’s will but now as I got older, I kept thinking, maybe it’s my fault for this ‘I almost..’ situation and not God’s will or an unknown system created by the universe.

Here are my biggest ‘I almost…’ moments in my life so far…

#1

I almost… obtained 6A-s in my SPM exam. I had three B+s which meant less than 10 marks to an A-. Adding that to my existing 3A-s and 2Bs could possibly helped me a lot in increasing my chances of getting into prominent colleges for the courses of my choice.

                                                                                                                                     

#2

If I did had those 6A-s I could had probably been accepted in to Foundation in Law at UiTM. A course that I had longed to take but I lacked 2As. I could’ve saved my time (and my parents’ money, God bless them) and not enter Pre-U (STPM) if only I had gotten that course. So close...

#3

 I almost… could’ve gotten 4 principles in my STPM if it wasn’t for one of my subject. My paper 2 was C but my paper 1 was C- so my average grade is C-. Again, C- is only 10 marks less to C which is a passing grade (even though it’s not that great). My GPA could’ve been higher.

#4

I almost… could’ve obtained Band4 in my MUET exam 2012 but I had 1 mark less to Band4 so I was stuck with Band3. I couldn’t believe it. ONE FREAKIN MARK. I usually get Band4 or Band5 when it comes to MUET Mock Trials in school. When I received my real MUET exam result, you could only imagine my disappointment and my MUET lecturers’ disbelief. The MUET July 2012 paper just so happened to be the starting point of the increase in difficulty level by the Ministry of Education. What luck.

These are my most disappointing out of all my ‘I almost…’ moments because it could most probably changed my life and determine where I am today. However I am for certain that things happened for a reason although I admit most of it are my doings.

Like what Dr. Shukri, a motivational speaker said in one of his talks I attended when I was 15, “Hampir itu TIDAK.” or in English, “Almost means NO.” which is evidently true. You couldn’t possibly insert, “I almost obtained 6A’s in my SPM” in your resume or applications now, can you? No.

What we could do to avoid the ‘I almost…’ epidemic is die trying. Be it in getting a promotion, excellent grades or simply finding a partner. We need to strive for it, one way or another.

Do you have any frustrating ‘I almost…’ moments? Share them with me!