I'm not going to sugar-coat this. Honestly I'm not lying. I HATE MY SISTER. Not dislike. Not temporary despise but HATE. Obnoxious (bleep) who thinks it's funny to make a horrible sarcastic remark to 'change' you and it's sad because she could be very nice at time but when it comes to the stability of my 'faith', that's when the duo lets out a big one.

WHAT THE (bleep), (bleep)?

Her husband is twice as horrible. He may seem quiet and friendly at first but he's a total douchebag.

Yeah, I admit. I'm the black sheep in the family hence the ranting. I know I have problems with my faith but for the love of everything good why on earth would you make a sarcastic remark as this in front of our family? 

Conversation during Christmas Eve's family gathering;

We were playing with baby Isaac (nephew) making baby noises to get his attention until, 

*Bro-in-law holding baby Isaac*

Bro-in-law : Isaac you have to go to Christmas mass in Church tomorrow ok? Don't be MALAS like aunty EVELYN. (A very sarcastic remark with an unpleasent tone)

Niece (A year older than me whom I look up to) : HAHAHAHAAA BUUUUURN. 

Sis : HA.HA.HA.HA.HA

Was that necessary? Really? Was that supposed to change my life? Are you so perfect in faith to give you a right to put down others especially your own sister-in-law? Was it?

"THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU."

 No. They're not. Trust me on this. They are not.

I swear my facial expression was obviously pissed and hurt. I bet a hundred dimes they didn't care how I felt. They just laughed and laughed like it was the funniest sht in the world. As if those sarcastic jokes would suddenly make me 'alim'. I've developed a sensitivity towards these 'jokes' aimed towards me. It's not as funny as it was the first time, or the second, third, fourth.

I had the urged to reply, "Wow~ That's so funny. I feel soooo holy now." Sarcastically, of course but I didn't.

I couldn't take it anymore. The atmosphere was intense and negative on my part. I rushed to my room hiding my emotions as I walk passed them and as soon as I locked my bedroom door, I cried. It's normal for me to cry every 'holy occasions' eg., Easter, Good Friday, Advent and all those stuff. Because those are when their spiteful comments get more malicious. It's not that I'm lazy to go to Church, I was honestly all hyped up to go to the Christmas mass with my family but it's THEM that made it awkward for me. I felt IMMENSLY uncomfortable and humiliated. I rather go to Church alone or with my friends than my family. They've dubbed me as the 'Catholic sasat' in the family. Which obviously hurts! As I'm typing this, I'm feeling as though a spike just pierced through my heart leaving it vunerable. All these awkwardness, being the 'lost' one in the family, black sheep, makes me feel as if I'm not part of this family at all. Makes me feel I don't deserve a partner in life as good and holy as my sisters'. A failure. A Catholic whose faith has trouble restoring. 

Don't get me wrong. I love God and I'm grateful for Jesus but as you've just read, it's the constant taunting that makes it hard for me to be as active in Church as I was before.

In front of acquaintances, close family members and friends, I appear to them as though nothing is bothering me. Always telling them how I love my family. I praise God and say that I'm thankful for his blessings. Which is true. I do love God and I'm thankful for his blessings but I can't help feeling like a hypocrite because of those thoughts of me swirling in my head. I don't discuss this with them about my problem with faith and my family. Only to two trust-worthy goodfriends. It's embarassing. ... Maybe it shouldn't even be called a 'faith problem'. Maybe my family has made me feel like crap so many times on my lack of attendence to Church that it seems like it's a 'faith' problem. No. I have faith. I know that. I would go to Church if I could just not with my family for the reasons stated. It's them. Especially my sister and her husband that are ruining my confidence in attending Church with my family. I have attended Church with my friends numerous times without telling the fam. Why would I tell them? That would only make them internally tease me of my 'title' in the family and the worst part of all, it doesn't just stop in the 'Faith Department', no. This problem oozes and affects other aspects in my relationship between my family and I. They have no respect for me which makes me a bit angry and sometimes on those unfortunate days when my patience has worn thin with their remarks, I would let out my anger in a loud tone and cry afterwards for doing so because it wasn't right. Hey, it wasn't right on their part either. 

Some of you after reading that paragraph may doubt me, but I can assure you my faith is sealed. Some of you may even support me on this one. Either way, it's between God and I. Which is how it should've been look upon in the first place and not have a 3rd or 4th party putting unpleasent thoughts in my head. It drives me to the point of having psychological warfare in my head and feeling self-conscious every time there's a family gathering or a topic about Catholicism or Church comes up. It's exhausting and most of the time I would zone out, fall asleep, lock myself in my room as long as I could away from my family, away from people who thinks less of me in terms of spirituality. My sister and mum even thought I was influenced by satan for not attending Church with them which is kind of lol. I try to excel in my studies and be active in school so that they would have some kind of pride in me but to no avail. The effects were only temporary until a topic about my 'lack of faith' comes up. 

To tell you all the truth, whoever is reading this, I doubt there would be many,  but beneath this exterior I have considered ending my life due to this. Yes, I can sense some eyes-rolling but it is what it is. I used to be like that. Rolling my eyes and giving a 'pfft' when I hear or read about people's suicidal intentions but honestly, you won't know the heavy feeling of a burden until you have one. I can't express enough to you how many times I've thought about it in solidarity after a fit but I won't because suicide only leads to the devil's happiness. Not mine, not my family's and definitely not God's. It's forbidden.

Yes, I have turned to God numerous times. Along side those distasteful thoughts, were sobbing pleas to God to give me strenght. Mentally, physically and in faith. God knows this issue isn't the only burden I juggle in life and God knows I love Him despite being relunctant to go to Church (with family).

I'm not too keen on revealing on how this happened. How I stopped going to Church in the first place which lead to this. I'm not ready to tell but rest assured I was very active in Church activities as a child and pre-teen twas a bump onto an unpleasent path that had stranded me on the beaten track and no, it's not pregnancy or anything like that lol. Not sure how that could be a cause though.

I'm not sure how I should end this post. I wanted to pour out the excess hatred in me before it overfills and replaces whatever positivity I have left. I'm not even sure whether this post might even ruin my reputation and how people might look at me now as most of my friends are... well-established in their faith. Some say they understand my problem but... and I'm sorry for being frank... but some of their story of how they understood this issue, I can't relate to it. I do appreciate them helping me but I've come to realized that it's my spiritual battle. I don't enjoy it and I don't talk about it a lot until now but yeah, that's my secret.

◄BACKWARD

FORWARD►